I Am Furious, But I Am Sailing

This week's Overthink: "I am furious, but I am sailing [...]" - Patti Lupone

Iconic performer Patti Lupone shared with us this week that while traveling on a cruise ship as a performer, the ship was denied entry to Turkey because of the ship's clientele: gay men. Turkish authorities said the ship's passengers are “known for behaviors incompatible with the fabric of our society and our moral values.” Rich Campbell, president and CEO of Atlantis Events, said this was the first time in 36 years that the company has been “actively told we may not berth here because of who we are.” This comes mere days after the end of Pride Month, which has become a global event for LGBTQ+ people in countries accepting of queer culture, and most bravely in countries where being gay can be punishable by death. 

There is a long history of governing bodies restricting the bodies of their constituents, and moral panic has been a throughline for punishing LGBTQ+ people on and off for hundreds of years. What I find interesting is how these governing bodies feign outrage until they figure out a way to make a profit. Rainbow-washing is the performative allyship of corporations in which they slap a rainbow on a product and claim support for the community while donating to conservative causes that cause harm to LGBTQ+ people. And while Turkey isn’t outwardly pretending to support us queers, they still profit off of the community. In the past few years, Turkey has become the world capital of plastic surgery; primarily for gender-affirming surgeries. The country is happy to let people in who will spend hundreds and thousands on surgery, hotel stays, flights, etc.; and many of these surgeries are for hair transplants, nose jobs, and jaw reshaping. Turkey may not see the surgeries for what they are, but each of those procedures is gender-affirming care. I believe everyone should have access to gender-affirming healthcare, and I take issue with the hypocrites whose life motto seems to be “rules for thee but not for me".” See Meg Stalter’s iconic Instagram reel.

Every year for the past few years, I have wondered what to do for Pride. I have undoubtedly been queer for my whole conscious life, but only "out" as such for five or six years. Labeling myself as queer has allowed me to exhale in ways I never thought possible. I was a teenager in the NOH8 era, and "straight but not narrow" shirts worn by well-meaning allies at school and kids doing their own NOH8 photoshoots to publish on Myspace were commonplace. I grew up in dance and theater and had been around gay people my whole life, but never thought of myself as anything but a straight girl with a passion for social justice. I thought everyone appreciated the prettiness of people of their own gender, that hooking up with guys just for fun was a lie we were all in on, and that choosing a man over a career was surely a sign of insanity because obviously careers could be so much more fulfilling than being married… and to a guy of all things. I framed my viewpoints as logical for a Type A workhorse with lofty ambitions. 

I had also always been a self-described tomboy. I played baseball, dug in the dirt as a wannabe archaeologist, and even though I was in ballet class on a near daily basis, I savored being my dad's little pal. I also had convinced myself that my dad wanted a son, and so I did some classically 90's tomboy activities to placate those never-expressed feelings. (I also enjoyed my tomboy activities, so it was an odd win-win.) The line of thinking that my dad wanted a boy was an early OCD thought that I fed for years. I was the third and last child, so I was the last chance for my parents to have a boy. And here I was; a girl! A ballet and theater girl at that. Some of the most classically-feminine activities were my bread and butter. It was a ridiculous thought fueled by the misogyny I saw in 90's sitcoms on TV. (Also I know expressions of gender and sexuality are different, but I was a kid. I had a very rigid view of how to be a girl when I was in elementary school.) For the record, my dad never once said he wanted a son, and in a conversation in my early 20s, he said unprompted how happy he was to have been the dad of three girls. I may have mentioned this in writings before, but OCD thoughts are very rarely inspired by reality. On the positive side, because I was obsessed with basically being a gender neutral child, as an adult I am very handy around the house, and I very rarely strike out in my adult recreational softball league. I also understand that activities have no gender, and I am a cis woman. Okay!

As a child and teen, I would often say I could imagine being a single mom; adopting or having a kid on my own. I would humorously toe the line of "who needs a man?" while maintaining my stance that I am highly independent by choice and not by circumstance. I of course would be successful enough in my career TBD that I could afford everything on my own anyway, so why complicate things with a partner? At the time it never occurred to me that I couldn't imagine a future being married to a man because I didn't want one. 

In college I was aggressively straight but conveniently busy. I didn't have "time" to date with my packed schedule of rigorous classes and multiple part-time jobs. I was relieved when a date I was set up with for a sorority formal got so drunk he fell asleep on the bus ride to the venue, because it meant I didn't have to deal with him and could just dance with my friends. When I had time to go on dates, I felt lucky when nothing panned out. Post-grad, it was more of the same. I started an internship then my first full-time job, and was happily exhausted and immersed in work. Again, I "tried" dating apps, but with a half-assed energy I would never give anything I actually cared about. 

Then a few years later, I realized why I never tried with men; when they were my only option, I was sad. I read about people from different moments in history who had been depressed to the point of ending their own lives and how they had same sex “friends” who mourned them deeply. How notable historical figures were frequently reported to have had roommates they loved; and beds shared with "friends" for years. How, even though I find cheating abhorrent, I would feel a pang in my chest when reading about people in heterosexual marriages who were suspected of cheating with same sex partners, because the option to simply be with each other was punishable by law. I didn't want to finally fall in love and have the story require footnotes in my future biography. And I definitely didn't want to keep begrudgingly swiping on profiles of men who deserved to go on a date with someone who didn't sigh in the car before stepping out. 

I started opening up my gender preferences on the dating apps and telling friends I was interested in more than just men a few years ago, and I realized I actually do like men! I just don't only like men. So instead of closing myself off to the possibility of any partner in fear of only having men be my option, I am now open to the opportunities that being queer allows; freedom of choice to find love within whatever body it exists. I'm still not a huge dater because old habits die hard, but to me, being queer has never just been about who I’m with or whether I am with someone at all. My queerness is about stepping off the rigid tightrope of societal binaries, and being open to changing my own mind. 

“Queer' not as being about who you're having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but 'queer' as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and that has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.”

― bell hooks

So in the days following Pride this year leading into the USA's 250th birthday, I am reminded that there are many rights that governments do not see as inalienable. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are reserved for those who fit the white, Christian, straight, binary mold, and those who are willing to conform or uphold white supremacist ideals. And I have plenty of privilege, but if the person I end up with is not a man, I'd like to think I'd be afforded the same respect under the law as my straight counterparts. I am not confident that will be true.

We see things happen every day like the cruise ship being turned away from Turkey and think wow, what a shame that country way over there won't allow gay men in as tourists and won't allow citizens to be openly gay! But the US has its own storied past and present with LGBTQ+ rights. Black trans women are killed on a near weekly basis, and that's just what makes it into the news cycle. Trans people are being denied medical care all over the country. Conservative lawmakers regularly introduce bills to ban same sex marriage. Trans kids are being banned from sports teams that align with their gender identity which will inevitably lead to gender "checks" – physical inspections of minor girls in sports. There is so much to grind my teeth about, and oh boy do I, but there is too much work to be done to ever stop trying. America's founding was a hellish takeover of Indigenous land built with slave labor and the unwillingness to recognize anyone other than white Christian men as people, but I firmly believe we owe it to each other to work for the potential of what this country can be; a place where the Constitution protects everyone, not a select few. Much like Patti, I am furious, but I am sailing on. 

The riot of Pride is ongoing until such measures of equality cannot be taken away, alongside the fights for equal rights for all races, genders, religions, abilities, ages, and classes. Happy Pride to all who champion true equality, and here's hoping America's 251st birthday has more to celebrate. 

Something I Noticed

I thought I was someone who gets stage fright because of, well, my history getting stage fright. I would panic in the wings that I would forget choreography that I remember to this day. I would frantically go over my lines for school plays and musicals moments before stepping onstage. I'd repeatedly practice the fingering of my instruments before band performances. As of today, I have never forgotten anything on stage, yet my nightmares are frequently centered on forgetting lines, not knowing I was in a play at all and having to perform anyway, etc. 

This past week, I produced and hosted a late night show to simultaneously celebrate my 35th birthday, face a fear, and achieve a goal. I started my TV career in late night and always fantasized in equal measure being interviewed for a guest segment, and hosting my own show. On somewhat of a whim, I emailed friends and asked if they would want to put on a late night show with me. They all said yes. I got the venue, put it all together, and did it. The surprising thing was, I was not that scared. I was nervous in the green room and in the hours before because I wanted to do well, but backstage, not really! I took a few deep breaths and was ready to party. I'm now wondering if my OCD looping thoughts made me feel more nervous than I actually was– if the moments of stage fright lasted longer because of the rumination. Because now on my SSRI, my rumination episodes are fewer and farther between, so when I felt nervous I could acknowledge the feeling was there, but I wasn't fearful, or trembling, or panicking that I would forget how to talk. 

This is all to say– it rocked! If you want to watch it, you can catch the taped version via Youtube "live" stream here until tomorrow, July 7th. 

Knitting Corner

Shocking no one, I am behind on my knitting. It was a busy month planning my show while nannying full time. I did knit a beanie for the toddler I was nannying, and it came out so cute! I love self-striping yarn. And someday I will learn to love making pom-poms. Also that nanny family has moved away and I am once again looking for work. It would be so cool to have a full time job again. With healthcare! Hit me up if you know of anyone cool hiring. It does not need to be a nanny job. I would love to work in an office. Or a writers’ room.

Thank you readers, and as always, thank you for being here. 

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