This issue's Overthink: invitations
Feel free to come! You can totally come if you want! If you're seeing this, you're invited!
What happened to invitations and RSVPs? What happened to a sure thing?
The past few years invitations to events have gotten so casual that I'm never even sure if I'm actually wanted. Could this be a self esteem thing? Yes. Obviously. I'm writing it down to bring up in therapy this week. But it's also not all on me and my brain. Invitations have gotten loose and nondescript for what I'm guessing are a few reasons: Hosts are afraid of being rejected with a no, the Maybe Epidemic, and claims that “it'll be chill.”
Hosts are afraid of being rejected with a no.
Inviting people to celebrate you is vulnerable, and being vulnerable is scary. Adult invites are very different from how we grew up; mailing or handing everyone in your class a birthday party invitation so no one was left out, then every kid who was available would come to everyone else's party so every birthday kid had a solid group to celebrate their day. It was pretty just, pretty equal, and very kind. This is of course assuming you grew up in a community with decent adults.
But now? On our own? It can be scary to send out a Canva-made graphic or Partiful invite asking people to come sing you Happy Birthday. And my least favorite of all– the Instagram story post reading "if you're seeing this you're invited." I will never believe that I personally am wanted somewhere with an invitation so open and casual. But on the other hand, I get it. No one wants to be rejected, and if you're already an anxious person, why go through the trouble of inviting potential rejection in? It's easier to just pretend you don't care if anyone comes at all, or open an event to so many people that literally anyone coming is a sure thing. If I put on the invitation that it's fine to show up, fine to not tell me a yes or no, fine to come whenever, then I am preventing myself from being hurt when people do that anyway. And it's an emotional cop out.
The Maybe Epidemic
I don't want to give a hard yes because my plans might change. I don't want to give a hard no because I don't want my friend to be sad. I'll just join the chorus of "maybes" until the very last second. Or I'll just show up. This chaos must end! As hostess, how am I supposed to know how many bags of chips to buy? Or how many pizzas to order?? Or how much iced tea to brew??? In the wishy-washy limbo hell of the present, everyone is a maybe until they either show up or don't, and this feels like my friends are waiting to see if better plans come along. RSVP's used to not even have a Maybe option. It was Yes or No, and you had until a certain date to respond. The introduction of Maybe aligned with the rise of social media invitations, and like so many aspects of our social media-influenced culture, I hate it. Maybe it's my industry in shambles, maybe it's getting older, but I crave the definitive. "Maybe" makes me grind my teeth; makes me feel like a temporary option.
It'll be chill!
It's all good! No worries! It's chill, just come whenever. So you want me to come to a party where everyone RSVPs "maybe" so I have no idea who's coming, the start and end times are hypothetical at best, and there's no structure? God, I miss structure. Here's the invitation from my 10th birthday (with address and phone number blocked).
My recently-found 10th birthday invitiation, which I am dying to recreate.
We had a plan and if you knew exactly what the deal was. Come over at 2:45 on the freakin' dot. We're going to walk to the neighboring park's pool and swim until 5:00 sharp! Then we're walking back to my house, changing into dry clothes, and having pizza, cake, and ice cream. Pick up is at 6:30. RSVP by June 15th. Hell yes. Start time, plan, end time, and a real RSVP request. Back then (2001) RSVPs were all the rage, and I loved it. Our friends' parents would call our parents and say yes or no. Decisive. Perfect. If the plans changed? They would call and tell you!
This is the type of party invitation I would kill for as an almost 35-year-old, because I want to know what the hell is going on for once. And this is the type of invitation I will send out moving forward. Decisiveness is in!!! And so are festive borders.
So please, the next time you're about to send your Maybe response, consider instead being confident and sure. And as a treat, enjoy this tune from country music star George Strait, which is about love. But in my heart it's about when I invite you to my party: Check Yes or No.